So, you tried driving a semi. Congratulations, sitting 11 hours a day like a supertrucker has made it so you can’t bend any extremities, at all. And now you amble hunched over, like Mother Teresa after six years on a pro bowling tour.
Time to get some exercise. And, to get far away from the Mother T vibe, you choose yoga: the only form of exercise banned by the Catholic Church.
Hey, get as far as possible. What type of yoga would Satanists practice?
Bikram Yoga!
Bikram is a 90 minute, 26-pose, sadistic ritual performed at 105 degrees Fahrenheit. This ceremony isn’t held in a candlelit room with Tibetan bells tinkling in the background. Nope. Everything inside is carefully controlled and choreographed to best simulate a visit to the Dark Lord in His brightly-lit, spacious office. The minute you walk into a Bikram Torture Chamber (TM) you’ll lose a pint of fluid via every excretory process, because you’ve walked into a physical wall of heat and humidity. You’ll look for the smelter, but you’ll only find an altar at the center front. Your soundtrack: An angry furnace fan and an instructor/cleric on the altar shooting rapid fire commands at you to be “a Japanese Ham Sandwich”. Not that you’ll comprehend these orders, because your brain will be sautéing in its own blood. You’ll try to commiserate with your fellow subjects only to realize that the person to your left is actually a space heater placed there to fill in what you hoped would be a cool spot. And, NO TALKING.
After ten minutes, you’ll be in so much buckling pain and heat stress that you’ll think you’re in a Hieronymus Bosch painting giving birth to a beak out of your right nostril while holding Standing Bow Pulling pose in a pot of boiling urine. Only an hour and twenty minutes to go. And you can’t, under any circumstances, leave the room. This would break the ritual’s flow, keeping the Golden Goat Baphomet from appearing at the ceremony’s climax. Apparently, he appears and distributes gold or candy or Dixie cups filled with water or something. I have no idea. By that time I’m lying on my back trying not to die.
Typical Bikram Yoga Class.
Some are confused as to what Bikram Yoga actually is. Benefits are obvious to some, not worth it to a few, controversial to others. Adherents are sometimes seen as extreme, even cult-like (the practice’s founder / namesake, Bikram Choudhury, collects Rolls Royces like a Movementarian leader).
So, why submit yourself to this, other than for untold fame and fortune promised to and reaped by practitioners – like Madonna, Lady GaGa, and Andy Murray (meh, 2/3 ain’t bad)? Weight loss is a benefit, though it might be easier to go with amputation. There are few ways to get more out of exercise in that amount of time. By the time you’ve showered, you will have spent 2 hours of your life, but it’s a concentrated workout. Nothing comes close, unless you are misogynist running for VP. The heat seems to loosen joints and relax muscles, so you can be that pretzel you always wanted to be. And, like getting that Mark of the Beast tattoo on your head, it hurts a lot while doing it, but you feel amazing hours after enduring the pain. It’s addictive. This explains why so many go every day and others are covered with asian script tattoos that have no meaning.
Disclaimer: Author has been to almost 100 Bikram classes and has meaningless tattoos.
TRY THIS, IT'S AWFUL! 
It’s a bit like heroin or cocaine: you’ll puke or sneeze blood the first few times you try it. Then you’ll get into it and blow money on it for no outwardly-rational reason.
For occasional practitioners like the idle rich or busy idols, it’s basically a waste of time and money. But it’s cheaper / more time efficient than a gym membership, if you do it on an unlimited plan and go a lot.
Way better waste of money and time than church and tithing.
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